Motherhood in letters: as simple as ABC?
There is no parenting manual, and certainly not one that would suit each of us and each of our children we are gifted. Usually when I see ‘parenting course’ I grimace and bolt.
So forgive me for sharing the advice that I lean on, mostly overheard from people in extremis, all of whom have lived it.
Parenting cracks you right open. Your heart is no longer inside you but a living being outside of yourself.
When we talk of getting in your flow, parenting is the opposite of that. Other beings needs interrupt it, always. It is an ongoing act of adaptation and surrender.
Here are my ‘ABCs’, three letters that describe of a lesson lived and learned.
MUM
I always wanted to be a mother. I yearned and cried and doubted. Then it happened in my 40s, and from the very start it was a glorious surprise. ‘Hooray’ - but also ‘yikes!’ This thing I have wanted for so long, is now coming, and I know will be really, really hard.
(PS: A big shout out to the single/solo parents out there and the kids who care for us. Going alone is not for the faint-hearted: the night emergencies when there is no one else to phone the hospital or hold the baby while you shower the vomit out of your hair; or to make you tea/dinner/sit down - or to shout at when it is all too much. Kids, we are doing our best.)
ASD, ADD, ADH
To the parents who question their decisions - isnt it all of us? - and who have big questions to chew on: to diagnose or not? For those who have chewed on the controversies of getting letters for their kids. Does the label describe the child? Will the label write off the child? Will it damage or will it help? EVERYONE has an opinion - but no one knows. Rare and valuable are the people who have navigated the system gracefully, and rarer still are the people who listen. Search out the unicorn who understands, who listens, who makes friends with your child, who can and DOES help.
EHC, DLA, PIP
Another shout out to anyone who has encountered these god-awful forms. Listing all the things that are ‘wrong’ (how much they don’t fit the ‘norm’ of how long it takes to brush teeth, get dressed or learn to read) and then to be told no. Grinding through a clunky overloaded ‘educational’ system advocating for your progeny seems to double the emotional load of living with quirks/challenges/weight/need. And always fighting for our beloved, wonderful, delightful child to be seen as a person.
JKR
To the authors and creatives who make the worlds that fascinate and capture the imagination of my child. A world he can dive into where everything makes sense, and from there better understand the ‘real’ world outside. LIfe is never dull when there are multiverses of characters to discuss. Where he knows the character well enough to make it ok to manage the discomfort of dressing up in unfamiliar materials. Shout out to the magical staff at HP studios who spotted a meltdown in the making and whizzed us in past all the queues. Otherwise the day would have been over before it began.
ABC
You can’t teach your own child. Lockdown taught many of us this - and even as a teacher of many years, I have had to let it go. We can model and encourage but first we have to love, and let them learn in their own way. Some kids take the ‘scenic route’ if only the pressure could be taken off to fit in by certain age deadlines. And someone else will teach him to drive.
XXL
It is hard to quantify the enormous explosion of respect and love I experience towards those wonderful humans that have made time and effort to connect with my son. His friends, the teachers, the taekwondo master, the lady we buy croissants from, the guy on the tube who told him his T-shirt was cool. It is a gift that can never be repaid. Thank you for finding ways to connect to him, give him love, showing him the world is full of love like him.
XOX
The hugs and kisses I festooned on my son when he wrote this:
“My mum is magic because she cares about me, and she is always nice and there is magic in her! My mom is a light in a dark world. She is a star in everything she does. Mum always takes me places that she knows are amazing.”
He’s right: You are lights in a dark world. You have magic in you. Go be amazing.
( …)
To finish, not letters but the three dots of expectation, we’ll see, a pause and a space. It will change, teenage hormones will rise, (more) hairs till turn grey, and somehow the rent will be paid, meals will be cooked, challenges faced. Two phrases I heard rattle in my mind: ‘The hardest bit of parenting is the bit you are in’ and my favourite, that I want to call into being: ‘It just keeps on getting better’.
We’ll see.
PPS: Let someone else enjoy your children for a few days, and come on retreat. I really know how hard the logistics are, but I will make sure you enjoy it - and everyone is better for it and you deserve a real rest.
