The fallacy of self-care
Self care isn’t selfish. You need some ‘me’ time. Give yourself the oxygen first, before you help others.
As a mum, and overloaded teacher, I know these truisms, and probably even say them to others. In fact I think I used them in my last newsletter, encouraging people to come on retreat to restore and refresh. It’s not that I don’t believe that rest is important, but there is a flaw in the phrasing. Self care and ‘me’ time both suggest that there must be a kind of care or a time that is possible to be disconnected from our self. And that we work in a dichotomy of me and you, separate, divided. that somehow we can act in such a manner that ISN’T for the self.
In the Vedic teaching, there is all, only, one thing, and we are a part of it.
We can distinguish between Self and self - yes you read it right - small s vs big S. This is not merely a piece of pernickety school teacher trickery. In the Vedic world view there is ONLY the self. It comes in individualised form, packaged as YOU, perhaps identified by your skin, physiology or life experiences. But there is also, always the atmaan, or Self (SELF) which goes by many, many names: totality, the universe, atmaan, Brahman, God, divinity, potential, pure consciousness. It is the knower behind the knowing, the source of the witness that lies behind all our activity. Our individuality is intimately, inherently and inextricably linked to Self. There is no time when self is not SELF, no way that we can act removed and separate from the cosmos. There is but one thing, and we are it.
There is no time when the wave is not ocean. Even the droplets of foam in the ‘white horses’ of the stormiest storm, which seem separate and far removed from our concept of ocean, even this is ocean, is foam-droplet form. So it is that my binge-eating, overwhelmed self who finds herself pulled into anger-reactivity, this is still ME, and of the same being as my calmest, wisest, most able-to-respond self.
Yes, our meditation, our peace, our moments of delight are all access to big Self. But so to is our work load, our arguments with loved ones, our belief that happiness is on the other side of ‘just one more’ (drink/slice/episode/purchase).
If there is no NON-self, then the question should be - have you prioritised care? Are you someone who adds air/time/space/energy/happiness or someone who is using it up from other people?
The source is perpetual, eternal and very very deep. Nuclear fission and then some. So no fear of running out of energy. From the fullness comes fullness and fullness remains. There is plenty, and always more, greater, deeper levels to access.
A quick way for me to check on my self/SELF care is to determine how close is delight. Is there something delicious in this moment/ this task, this day? As we look down the barrel of January and resolutions, be careful that you don’t resolve to be different. You don’t need to change if you are already the ocean - but enjoy the current form that ocean takes. Read the internal weather and take steps accordingly. Today are you tropical, sargasso, Pacific or North Sea - or approaching hurricane mode?
Meditation is a chance to remember we are ocean. Drop beneath the choppy waves, expand, and have a direct experience of greater levels of bliss. If you don’t have a meditation practice, please come a talk to me. If you do but its faded, please come and talk to me. If you tried and feel you have failed PLEASE come talk to me (I once heard someone was given a F in her mindfulness course! I taught her, and its not gold stars all the way). I am a meditation teacher not because I am so good at it, but because I know (and know well) all the pitfalls that stand in the way of a regular practice.
I wish you joy and resolve for the New Year. Set your intentions, but remember weight loss and fitness etc take time, and are really good to take up when the sun comes out. I will be spending January resting more, reading a little, and enjoying the hunkering down that the cold and wet brings. And talking to YOU about meditation, I hope :)
Here’s to all, a joyful 2023
